progress v2. (beware of sadness)

• Author: Wunder
• Filed under: Life
• Date: Jul 17,2008

I don’t know how much progress I’m making through this.  All I ever want to do is call her, hear her voice, tell her I love her, and explain to her how much I miss her.  I just want us to be together again, just to know that we’re together, and in love.  Don’t they say that “love is all you need”?  Well, that’s what they say at least.  Why isn’t it true, then?  I thought we had the greatest love that mankind has ever seen.  What happened to that?  As far as I can tell nothing happened, and that we’re still in love with each other.  She’s not happy with herself though, that’s the problem here.  Why can’t we be together though and work on that together?  Go on a vacation together?  Or go to counseling together? Or find and start a hobby together outside of the house that we can do whenever we want?  Why can’t we be together so I can help her as a lover and a boyfriend should do?  How have I failed her?

I find it hard to breathe sometimes.  I miss her so much that anywhere I go or whatever I do, my first thought is how much it would be better with her.  Waking up isn’t the same without her.  My weekends won’t be the same knowing I can’t see her.  Driving around town isn’t the same without talking to her and listening to My Chemical Romance together.  Going to eat somewhere isn’t as filling as it was with her.  Watching a funny movie isn’t as funny as it was with her.  Laying in bed isn’t the same without smelling her next to me and feeling that warmth and comfort of her presence.

It’s hard to progress in this.  I don’t know if I can.  I’m strong, but I don’t think I’m strong enough. I don’t know what it will take to get her back.  From what her and I have talked about, it’s just going to take time.  But how much time?  A week?  A month?  A year?  God I hope it’s not long.  I’m in shambles without her kiss.  I’m torn to pieces without her love to put me together.

I need her.  That’s what the love told me.  That’s the kind of love that it was.  I grew with her, and matured with her in a way I never have before.  Every part of every day told me that I was so madly in love with her that I needed her.  We were doing so well.  What happened?  How did I not make her happy enough?

Maybe that’s not it.  Maybe it’s just what we talk about.  Maybe it’s just her needing to figure out her own life.  But at what cost?  The cost of our relationship?  How is that fair to either of us?

Here’s what I want.  I’ll tell you.  I want her to take her time.  Not too long, not too short, but the right amount of time.  Then I want her to come back to me and I want to smell her hair again, feel her skin again, kiss her lips again, and hold her so close and tight next to me.  I don’t want her to give up on me and on “us”.  I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life, but I am of this.  I know because of everything I’ve already said.  I know because I’m a better person when I’m with her.  I know because she’s my Delilah, my babydoll, and my princess.

Danielle is my princess.

progress v1.

• Author: Wunder
• Filed under: Life
• Date: Jul 15,2008

I feel better.. I haven’t broken down in tears yet.. but I feel better.  Like I said previously, I have to remain strong.  I know she appreciates it, and I know deep down I appreciate myself for it too.  I still love her, and want her more than ever, so it’s good to be strong. :)  Two people at work now know about what’s going on, and they’re very sympathetic.  I don’t completely feel like I’ve lost her, and I don’t want to.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to detach from her, which is good, because I don’t want to.  I still have hope that everything will work out great for us and we’ll get back together.  This is still within the first 24 hours of this decision, so it’s still going to be new in my mind and heart.  It’s bound to get better, and easier.  As long as I don’t lose her, and as long as our love remains strong.

I have faith.  Everyone needs faith in what they believe in, and I believe in her and I.  i’ll never let go, I can’t, because what would the world be if you just let go of the best things you have?

So yes, all in all, I do feel a bit better, especially after chatting with her online all night, which I hope never changes.  I guess I’m thinking of this all more as a “hiatus” than a “break/break-up” anyways.  That’s probably how my mind is coping with all this.

In other news, I think I might e-mail the band and let them know I’m good for an audition this weekend or later this week.  I think i’ll be ready then.  I know if I procrastinate it too long than I might either lose my shot or I’ll psyche myself out of it, so I need to get on it fast.

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss her the most.

• Author: Wunder
• Filed under: Life
• Date: Jul 15,2008

The title is kind of corny.  It’s actually a quote from Ozzy Osbourne which originally goes “Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.” but I decided to change it to better fit what is going on.

This was originally going to be an extremely long post, but I don’t think I even have the energy to make it that.  The basic point here is that Danielle and I are on a “break”.  I don’t like it, and I miss her so goddamn much, but it’s what is needed for her right now, and I’ll support her 100% through it.  My biggest fear here is that when the time comes that she’s ready, that she won’t come back to me.  it’s a thought that I just can’t shake, and it scares the shit out of me.  I keep trying to tell myself that she will come back to me in due time, and i’m starting to believe myself, so that’s progress right?

There’s not really anything else going on in my life that I need to talk about here just yet.  I’ll be auditioning for a band to be their singer.  That should be fun, and will definitely give me a hobby.  Who knows, maybe something will come of it, but we’ll see.  Other than that I think I need to find another hobby or two.  I mean, if I get in the band, then that’ll be a good hobby to have and would be great to be a part of.

Back on track here.  I miss Danielle.  I really do.  God, she’s my world.  My absolute world and I need her.  I have to be strong though, for her, for me, and for us.  I will be strong for us.  I have to have faith that we’ll be together again.  I know she’s going to take this time and do what’s right for her.  She has to like herself, and appreciate herself first before she can do anything else.  I know she’s such an amazingly unique and beautiful person that I just can’t understand how she can’t see that.  All in due time though.  Hopefully she’ll realize it sooner than later and come back to me, so I can be “home” again.

If you’re reading this Danielle, I love you.  I love you so much, never forget that, and know that I’ll be waiting for you as patiently as I can.  You’re in my thoughts every minute of every day, and there will never be anybody else but you.  Know that, and find yourself, then come find me so we can show the world what “true love” really means.

Right now I’m listening to a bunch of different songs, getting myself more prepared for the audition.  The songs I’ll be singing are:

1. My Own Worst Enemy - Lit
2. The Middle - Jimmy Eat World
3. Everlong - Foo Fighters
4. Crazy Bitch - Buckcherry
5. Plush - Stone Temple Pilots
6. Dirty Little Secret - All American Rejects
7. Slither - Velvet Revolver

Will be some fun, I just hope I can stack up against any competition.  I’m great on most of those songs, it’s really just Plush and Dirty Little Secret that I have issues on because I don’t normally sing them.  Plus Dirty Little Secret is such a high pitched song that it’s sometimes difficult for my voice to get there, haha.  I can do it though.  It’ll be awesome, and fun to try out if anything else.

I think I should get back to work here.  Hopefully good news will follow in this blog soon.  We shall see.

The wonder that is Danielle

• Author: Wunder
• Filed under: Life
• Date: Jun 30,2008

“My house is stupid by itself.”

My god I love this woman.

More to come later..

Red Ring…RED RING!

• Author: Wunder
• Filed under: Life
• Date: Jun 26,2008

That’s right.. Red Ring x2!  No it’s not the Red Ring of Death, that’s only when it’s 3 red lights on the xbox360.  I have two.  I called Xbox Support and they said it’s because my system is overheating, most likely due to a failing fan.  Not a problem they said, I just have to send it in to them to repair and they’ll send it back.  The nice part about it is that if they can’t repair it for any reason, they just send me a new one.  The beautiful part about THAT is that I have an Xbox360 Elite, that I bought off of craigslist for a great price.  So what’s the worst case scenario from Microsoft?  That I get a brand spanking new xbox360 Elite.  Sounds like a good deal to me.  Best case scenario, they fix it and I get it back, with the reassurance that I have a properly working xbox360 console.

We’ll see what happens.  I dropped it off at a UPS drop-off point today and I have my handy dandy tracking number with me at all times so I can check it wherever I am.

In other news, I’m going to Tucson this weekend to help out Danielle (my babydoll) with some things around the house.  That’ll be fun and a great feeling that I’m helping her.  I’m excited.

I know I don’t update much anymore, because I honestly think my account with IPOWER is going to expire in the next week or so.  I haven’t been too thrilled with the hosting since Bizland took over, but oh well.  I have to deal with it for right now until I can afford to get my own laptop to replace my desktop computer so I can turn my desktop computer into a server.  That’ll be awesome.

It got harder, but I think it just got better.

• Author: Wunder
• Filed under: Life
• Date: Apr 16,2008

I talked with Danielle today, and it made me feel a lot better. I know I’m being overly sensitive about a lot of things, maybe more than a guy should be, and I’ll fix that, but I guess i’m just being fearful of losing the most important person in the world to me. That’s gotta be what it is. Fortunately though, I have a great feeling that her and I will fix whatever comes our way, because that’s what a relationship is, right? Two people that love each other that are willing to be adults and address and fix the issues that come up.

I was pretty miserable there for a couple days just even fathoming the thought of losing her. I guess you really learn how much someone means to you after going outside of a routine. We definitely got out of our normal routine of talking every day, and I think that’s what startled me so much. Especially with how things went on Sunday, it just didn’t feel any better not talking to her after all that.

I’m happy to say that her and I have talked, though, and we have both said that we want to work on this and move past it, and be happy together like we were. That’s really all I want. I honestly believe that her and I, given the chance, could still redefine what love truly is in the world. I know I already have for myself. I mean, she’s my everything. Ya ya ya I say that a lot, but it just becomes more and more true every single day. I think of the little things that really mean so much to me. When I notice that smile when I kiss her nose, or how softly her eyes are closed after we kiss. I notice her soft sighs when I stroke her hair, and those times when she holds me tighter or cuddles up in her spot on my chest. Those are the times that I live for with her. I can be enveloped in those times forever and I would be truly happy.

This is a sappy post, I know, but I had to get it out. I’m still on my eternal quest to ultimately try and explain how much she means to me. I’m sure I’ll complete that quest one day. In the meantime I get to have the fun of trying.

It’s 5:30 in the morning and I want to go home. I think I have my car appointment today to get it’s service and everything, but they never called me back to confirm, so I don’t know. It’s either today or tomorrow. Either way, it desperately needs to get fixed, because just tonight on my way to work the Check Engine light came on, and that’s never a good sign.

In other news, got accepted at the apartments that I wanted. Only problem there is that they want 1 month down as a security deposit. I mean wow, that’s a $700 security deposit! Oh well, it’s completely refundable of course, so I’ll have to ask them about that move-in special when I talk to them next. I hope they still honor it. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to move in there.

I’m cutting this post short. I’ll write more later. Maybe today I’ll actually get around to modifying the banner and everything. I need to fill those ad spots too. Don’t know what the hell I’ll be doing with those. Any ideas are very welcome!

Things have to get harder before they get better, right?

• Author: Wunder
• Filed under: Life
• Date: Apr 15,2008

I’m not feeling so hot right now.  The woman of my dreams wants to take a break.  Not from me, but it sure feels that way.  I don’t think I know what happened, but from what I can tell, I lost sight of how important sleep is for her.  We were asleep, and Homer wanted to go out.  I was half asleep and he was whining to get out of the bedroom, probably to go play with Kona or something, and in my half-asleep stupor, i wanted Danielle to let him out since I got up earlier and let him out.  I guess somehow in my head that seemed the fair thing to do since I really didn’t want to get up either, but maybe that was a wrong choice in retrospect.  I probably should have gotten up to let him out, then things would be ok.

Wow that’s odd to think about.  If I let out the dog, things would be ok.  That just sounds so miniscule and unimportant when it’s put like that, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  A lot of bad shit happened after that, and she ended up crying and leaving.  I tried to talk to her the whole time, and tried to get her to stay, but she wouldn’t have it, and instead drove back to Tucson.

I feel absolutely awful about the whole thing.  I keep adding things together in my head that just makes me even more upset and heartbroken.  I mean, my heart is absolutely shattered right now, and I don’t know what to do.  I love that woman more than life itself.  Even in our little differences, there’s no one I’d rather spend time with and be next to at any given moment of the day than her.  She’s my Delilah, my princess and my babydoll.  We have the greatest fun in anything we do.  This weekend just seemed to blow up in our faces.  It’s horrible, but I want it fixed.  I want Danielle.  I want her so bad, and it feels like I can’t have her, and that kills me.

I talked to her tonight online for a couple of minutes.  She says she loves me, and yet wants to take a break for a couple of days so she can focus on work.  Yes I’m a little paranoid about that, but I can’t help but feel that way.  It scares the shit out of me, because she’s the most important person in the world to me.  My lover, my friend, and in my opinion, my soulmate.

I love her so much, so goddamn much.  I hope she knows that, and I hope her and I get through this and continue on with a wonderful and lasting relationship that I know as home.

Vacation was a success!

• Author: Wunder
• Filed under: Life
• Date: Mar 17,2008

The vacation to Balboa Island was awesome.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to afford one of those houses (average of about 4 million dollars.) but it sure would be nice.  I’ll post more later after I’m not working and I’ve gotten enough sleep to function properly.

Expect pictures!  Plenty of pictures!

Prepping for a vacation…

• Author: Wunder
• Filed under: Life
• Date: Mar 13,2008

i’m getting very excited.  I’m sitting at work right now and it’s approximately 5:45am.  In roughly 2 hours I will be finalizing my plans and getting underway to a trip to Balboa Island.  This excites me greatly.  I’ve never been to Balboa Island.  Quite frankly I’ve only been to southern California twice in my life I think.  Should be loads of fun though, and there will be many pictures taken i’m sure, so be prepared for those upon my return.

So far the list of attendee’s include (but are not limited to) Brian (my roommate), Cassie (Brian’s girlfriend), Maggie (Brian’s sister), Danielle (my girlfriend) and myself.  I think we’re going to meet Brian’s brother and his girlfriend there, but I’m not 100% sure, so who knows.

 I just know we’re going to have a fucking blast.  I know we’re only going to be gone from Thursday until Sunday, but still, it’ll be a great time.  I’m not sure what there is to see out there, since I’m going into all this pretty much blind.  I haven’t researched anything to do, or made any plans or anything.  We’ll just have to see what happens.  Playing it all by ear right now.

If anything insanely exciting happens out there while we’re on the road, I can post it from my iPhone.  God I can’t wait.  It’s about 6am now.  Only an hour to go until I’m outta here! :)  Woohoo!

Here’s a minor update for ya.

• Author: Wunder
• Filed under: Life
• Date: Feb 29,2008

I don’t really have any pertinent topics to talk about, but I wanted to get at least something posted on here, so here it goes:

 Lately has been going rather well.  I spend my weekends with Dani and during the week I work and sleep.  Every now and then I’m able to get in some video games and hang out with the roommates, but I pretty much just try to get enough sleep.  I don’t know what’s going on with my sleep schedule lately, but it’s been pretty messed up.  Some days I’ll be so tired when I get home from work that I’ll pass out by 8am, then I’ll wake up randomly throughout the day and end up waking up at 6 or 7pm, then other days it will be nearly impossible to stay asleep for more than 2 hours at a time.  It’s pretty bad.  I’m extremely tired lately, so I have to do something about that.

Work is going well, I think I’m making some good contacts here, and hopefully next month or the month after they will hire me on fulltime so I can get a benefits package and tuition reimbursement.  I’m really looking forward to that because I’d like to go to college and get my degree.  Being stuck where I’m at right now just isn’t going to cut it a couple years down the road.  I really want to stay with OneNeck, because I do like working for this company, and I’m genuinely interested in the work that I do.  There’s a lot of different avenues I can take at this job, so we’ll just have to see what happens.  School will have a lot to do with my decision as well.

Music is still a huge influence for me.  Not as much as it used to be, but I still love it.  I’d really REALLY want to get back into DJing.  That was such a relaxing thing for me.  Just me behind two turntables and a mixer with my headphones on.  It made me focused, attentive and forced me to pay attention to detail, it was such a great mental exercise.  I guess you’d have to try it to understand what I’m talking about.  I was considering getting started with some DJ equipment with my tax refund this year, but then again I was thinking of getting a laptop with that money too.  Damned decisions.  I’ll just think about it when the time comes. 

I think the wise decision would be to just spend the majority of my tax refund this year on paying off debts.  Ya my credit score has increased quite a bit in the last 2 years, which is great, but it’s still pretty bad in my opinion.  So ya, that’s what I’ll do.  Those things aren’t going to go away on their own, so I’m going to pay them off when I get my tax refund.  That will mean that I can at least get financed for a laptop or something, and since I know I make enough money to pay for one on a monthly basis, that will just help my credit even more!  You see?  It’s a win-win situation.

Wow, I can’t believe it’s already almost 4am.  I’ll be driving down to Tucson to see Danielle for the weekend in about 3 hours.  That’ll be fun.  We have a great time together.  I think this weekend just entails some at home karaoke (more details on that later), some wine (beer for me though, as much as I love wine I would just like to get some beer) and relaxing.  We’ve both been so tired lately that I believe we both should catch up on some sleep.  I know when I get there at about 9am today I’m going to be sleeping like a baby.  That’s going to be great too.  It always feels better sleeping next to her as well.

So about the karaoke thing.  A lot of people might frown upon or even laugh at karaoke, but you know what?  It’s fun.  It’s a LOT of fun.  Especially when you get a couple of drinks in you and you’re hanging out with your friends, then it’s just crazy fun.  I dunno, it’s a good time and I have fun with it. :)  Singing is a pretty difficult thing to do, and takes a LOT of practice and knowledge of the song you’re singing.  It’s just not as easy as picking up a microphone and singing some words into it.  You have to take into account your volume, the instrumental volume, your pitch, your tempo, if you’re on key or not, the style of the song versus your style of singing, your type of voice, etc.  A lot of people believe that some people just can’t sing and never will be able to.  I say that’s bullshit.  Anybody can sing, it just takes determination and willingness to learn and be patient with it.  Trust me, I know from experience.  A lot of people said I was a pretty shitty singer back when I first started karaoke, and I mean pretty damn shitty, but the past year or so of singing people have been saying that I’ve been getting really good.  So it just takes time, and you gotta keep at it just like with anything else.

Anyways, I better actually try to get some work done now, and I have a text message from Dani to respond to, so I’m gonna do that first.