The book I was given was called “The Perks of being a Wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky.  I didn’t much of anything about it when it was given to me, other than that Danielle said I needed to read it, and that it was a great book.  It’s a short book, 213 pages to be exact.  It only took me 2 reading sessions to read though.  When I got home from work yesterday I decided to lie down in bed and start reading it.  Before I knew it I was on page 106.  I just couldn’t put it down.  I was so involved in it.

I decided to bring the book with me to work tonight, in hopes of getting a chance to read it.  Luckily it has been pretty slow tonight, and I just finished it.  God it was such a good read.  I really have to thank Danielle for it.  I think i’ll text her and thank her for the book, and that it was a great read.

I think I’ll start reading a lot more books.  Maybe I’ll go to Borders or Barnes & Nobles soon and find some good books to thumb through and see if I like.  I think this could become a very wonderful hobby.  I’d love to be able to read a book and then talk about it with Danielle.  Maybe she would have read it too.  Maybe I can get some more books from her to read.  Then we’d know the same books and can talk about them with each other.  I think that would be great.

i’m going to go now, because I do have some work to do, but I think I’ll text Danielle first and thank her for the book.  I hope she’s having a great night at work. I miss her a lot.

I find it hard to breathe sometimes.  I miss her so much that anywhere I go or whatever I do, my first thought is how much it would be better with her.  Waking up isn’t the same without her.  My weekends won’t be the same knowing I can’t see her.  Driving around town isn’t the same without talking to her and listening to My Chemical Romance together.  Going to eat somewhere isn’t as filling as it was with her.  Watching a funny movie isn’t as funny as it was with her.  Laying in bed isn’t the same without smelling her next to me and feeling that warmth and comfort of her presence.

It’s hard to progress in this.  I don’t know if I can.  I’m strong, but I don’t think I’m strong enough. I don’t know what it will take to get her back.  From what her and I have talked about, it’s just going to take time.  But how much time?  A week?  A month?  A year?  God I hope it’s not long.  I’m in shambles without her kiss.  I’m torn to pieces without her love to put me together.

I need her.  That’s what the love told me.  That’s the kind of love that it was.  I grew with her, and matured with her in a way I never have before.  Every part of every day told me that I was so madly in love with her that I needed her.  We were doing so well.  What happened?  How did I not make her happy enough?

Maybe that’s not it.  Maybe it’s just what we talk about.  Maybe it’s just her needing to figure out her own life.  But at what cost?  The cost of our relationship?  How is that fair to either of us?

Here’s what I want.  I’ll tell you.  I want her to take her time.  Not too long, not too short, but the right amount of time.  Then I want her to come back to me and I want to smell her hair again, feel her skin again, kiss her lips again, and hold her so close and tight next to me.  I don’t want her to give up on me and on “us”.  I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life, but I am of this.  I know because of everything I’ve already said.  I know because I’m a better person when I’m with her.  I know because she’s my Delilah, my babydoll, and my princess.

Danielle is my princess.

The music is great and amazingly done, Neil Patrick Harris is absolutely hilarious, and it’s just worth it, so do yourself a favor and go watch the first two acts right now.  You won’t regret it.  I absolutely can’t wait for the 3rd act.  I hope they continue making more of this.

http://www.drhorrible.com/

I’m EXTREMELY tempted to get this thing fixed then try to sell it and get a PS3.  At least those don’t have issues like this constantly.  I’m just VERY irrititated right now about the whole thing.  This is the second time this thing has had to go in for repair in the past month!  That even accounts for it being gone for 2+ weeks while it’s getting repaired/replaced.

Fuck.  Great way to start my night.

I have faith.  Everyone needs faith in what they believe in, and I believe in her and I.  i’ll never let go, I can’t, because what would the world be if you just let go of the best things you have?

So yes, all in all, I do feel a bit better, especially after chatting with her online all night, which I hope never changes.  I guess I’m thinking of this all more as a “hiatus” than a “break/break-up” anyways.  That’s probably how my mind is coping with all this.

In other news, I think I might e-mail the band and let them know I’m good for an audition this weekend or later this week.  I think i’ll be ready then.  I know if I procrastinate it too long than I might either lose my shot or I’ll psyche myself out of it, so I need to get on it fast.

This was originally going to be an extremely long post, but I don’t think I even have the energy to make it that.  The basic point here is that Danielle and I are on a “break”.  I don’t like it, and I miss her so goddamn much, but it’s what is needed for her right now, and I’ll support her 100% through it.  My biggest fear here is that when the time comes that she’s ready, that she won’t come back to me.  it’s a thought that I just can’t shake, and it scares the shit out of me.  I keep trying to tell myself that she will come back to me in due time, and i’m starting to believe myself, so that’s progress right?

There’s not really anything else going on in my life that I need to talk about here just yet.  I’ll be auditioning for a band to be their singer.  That should be fun, and will definitely give me a hobby.  Who knows, maybe something will come of it, but we’ll see.  Other than that I think I need to find another hobby or two.  I mean, if I get in the band, then that’ll be a good hobby to have and would be great to be a part of.

Back on track here.  I miss Danielle.  I really do.  God, she’s my world.  My absolute world and I need her.  I have to be strong though, for her, for me, and for us.  I will be strong for us.  I have to have faith that we’ll be together again.  I know she’s going to take this time and do what’s right for her.  She has to like herself, and appreciate herself first before she can do anything else.  I know she’s such an amazingly unique and beautiful person that I just can’t understand how she can’t see that.  All in due time though.  Hopefully she’ll realize it sooner than later and come back to me, so I can be “home” again.

If you’re reading this Danielle, I love you.  I love you so much, never forget that, and know that I’ll be waiting for you as patiently as I can.  You’re in my thoughts every minute of every day, and there will never be anybody else but you.  Know that, and find yourself, then come find me so we can show the world what “true love” really means.

Right now I’m listening to a bunch of different songs, getting myself more prepared for the audition.  The songs I’ll be singing are:

1. My Own Worst Enemy - Lit
2. The Middle - Jimmy Eat World
3. Everlong - Foo Fighters
4. Crazy Bitch - Buckcherry
5. Plush - Stone Temple Pilots
6. Dirty Little Secret - All American Rejects
7. Slither - Velvet Revolver

Will be some fun, I just hope I can stack up against any competition.  I’m great on most of those songs, it’s really just Plush and Dirty Little Secret that I have issues on because I don’t normally sing them.  Plus Dirty Little Secret is such a high pitched song that it’s sometimes difficult for my voice to get there, haha.  I can do it though.  It’ll be awesome, and fun to try out if anything else.

I think I should get back to work here.  Hopefully good news will follow in this blog soon.  We shall see.

My god I love this woman.

More to come later..

We’ll see what happens.  I dropped it off at a UPS drop-off point today and I have my handy dandy tracking number with me at all times so I can check it wherever I am.

In other news, I’m going to Tucson this weekend to help out Danielle (my babydoll) with some things around the house.  That’ll be fun and a great feeling that I’m helping her.  I’m excited.

I know I don’t update much anymore, because I honestly think my account with IPOWER is going to expire in the next week or so.  I haven’t been too thrilled with the hosting since Bizland took over, but oh well.  I have to deal with it for right now until I can afford to get my own laptop to replace my desktop computer so I can turn my desktop computer into a server.  That’ll be awesome.

I was pretty miserable there for a couple days just even fathoming the thought of losing her. I guess you really learn how much someone means to you after going outside of a routine. We definitely got out of our normal routine of talking every day, and I think that’s what startled me so much. Especially with how things went on Sunday, it just didn’t feel any better not talking to her after all that.

I’m happy to say that her and I have talked, though, and we have both said that we want to work on this and move past it, and be happy together like we were. That’s really all I want. I honestly believe that her and I, given the chance, could still redefine what love truly is in the world. I know I already have for myself. I mean, she’s my everything. Ya ya ya I say that a lot, but it just becomes more and more true every single day. I think of the little things that really mean so much to me. When I notice that smile when I kiss her nose, or how softly her eyes are closed after we kiss. I notice her soft sighs when I stroke her hair, and those times when she holds me tighter or cuddles up in her spot on my chest. Those are the times that I live for with her. I can be enveloped in those times forever and I would be truly happy.

This is a sappy post, I know, but I had to get it out. I’m still on my eternal quest to ultimately try and explain how much she means to me. I’m sure I’ll complete that quest one day. In the meantime I get to have the fun of trying.

It’s 5:30 in the morning and I want to go home. I think I have my car appointment today to get it’s service and everything, but they never called me back to confirm, so I don’t know. It’s either today or tomorrow. Either way, it desperately needs to get fixed, because just tonight on my way to work the Check Engine light came on, and that’s never a good sign.

In other news, got accepted at the apartments that I wanted. Only problem there is that they want 1 month down as a security deposit. I mean wow, that’s a $700 security deposit! Oh well, it’s completely refundable of course, so I’ll have to ask them about that move-in special when I talk to them next. I hope they still honor it. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to move in there.

I’m cutting this post short. I’ll write more later. Maybe today I’ll actually get around to modifying the banner and everything. I need to fill those ad spots too. Don’t know what the hell I’ll be doing with those. Any ideas are very welcome!

Wow that’s odd to think about.  If I let out the dog, things would be ok.  That just sounds so miniscule and unimportant when it’s put like that, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  A lot of bad shit happened after that, and she ended up crying and leaving.  I tried to talk to her the whole time, and tried to get her to stay, but she wouldn’t have it, and instead drove back to Tucson.

I feel absolutely awful about the whole thing.  I keep adding things together in my head that just makes me even more upset and heartbroken.  I mean, my heart is absolutely shattered right now, and I don’t know what to do.  I love that woman more than life itself.  Even in our little differences, there’s no one I’d rather spend time with and be next to at any given moment of the day than her.  She’s my Delilah, my princess and my babydoll.  We have the greatest fun in anything we do.  This weekend just seemed to blow up in our faces.  It’s horrible, but I want it fixed.  I want Danielle.  I want her so bad, and it feels like I can’t have her, and that kills me.

I talked to her tonight online for a couple of minutes.  She says she loves me, and yet wants to take a break for a couple of days so she can focus on work.  Yes I’m a little paranoid about that, but I can’t help but feel that way.  It scares the shit out of me, because she’s the most important person in the world to me.  My lover, my friend, and in my opinion, my soulmate.

I love her so much, so goddamn much.  I hope she knows that, and I hope her and I get through this and continue on with a wonderful and lasting relationship that I know as home.